Rejected Premises for the Hit Game Jonny Moseley Mad Trix

“What if I ate a kitten made out of gumdrops? Would it be ethical?”
“What if a giraffe filed a lawsuit against Toys R’ Us for libel?”
“What if someone invented a website called YouTube where you could upload videos of yourself and show your talent to the world?”
“What if a skier went back to Berkeley in his late twenties and got a degree in American Studies?”
“What if I took a cross-country road trip with a guanaco named Brad Pitt?”
“What if Jonny Moseley had sexual intercourse with someone that referred to themselves in the third person?”
“What if someone invented a website called MySpace where you could express yourself and connect with other people?”
“What if I collaborated with Tom Waits on an album of reggae versions of lullabies?”
“What if there was a remake of Jaws with Wilmer Valderrama as the shark?”
“What if guanaco named Brad Pitt invented a hoverbike?”
“What if there was a licensed freestyle skiing game so awesome that marketing did not need the possessive case?”

To understand this post, viewing of the Jonny Moseley Mad Trix introduction sequence is requisite.

It is one of the highest forms of art in the modern world.

I researched and wrote Alex Litel's Second Quarterly ESA Governmental Relations Extravaganza: Special 2008 Round-Up Edition. Unlike last time, I am hoping there will be no E3 announcements later today.

Speaking of today, I found a gem about me earlier today via Tumblr search.

It was October 21st, and I started on my morning routine of checking the multitudinous gaming-focused feeds I subscribe to. Among my favorites is GameSetWatch, the bloggy counterpart to zenithal gaming site Gamasutra with features dynamic mix of round-ups, columnists, and insights by publisher Simon Carless that never fail to stimulate.

Let me qualify that: it never failed to stimulate prior to reading “The Most Egregious Tale Ever Committed to Word Processor”—the latest “Bell, Game, and Candle” column from Alex Litel.

That feeling was provocation from this trash wannabe postmodern fiction guised as being about games; I felt a neoteric assault on my writerly ethos. But expressing such guided outrage is hardly professional, so that is where this Tumblog comes in.

I intended for a constant indignation, because wholesale, writing and reportage about games is garbage undeserving of respect. Other commitments came in that way, and it pains me that I have to write about my abominable inspiration for the third time.

But I do.

His first column of the new year, “A Primer on the Future of Games as Art” perfectly recreated that revulsion. Yes, more trash wannabe postmodern fiction guised as being about games.

This time, the recidivist travels into the future and meets himself in an adventure that needs a fucking deconstruction; if not for the title and intro, I would have had no clue what the hell this was about. (Actually, that may be improvised and misleading.)

In fact, I’d question that it is even a column, as much as it is the recidivist’s rejected submission to some literary journal.

Even more depressing is that in this dour media economy that someone gets away with getting paid for textual onanism, when there are litany of far more deserving, far better writers who would love the opportunity to do a “column” such as this.

Awesome! This is the best comparison to onanism I have gotten yet.

Michael Gallagher's Guide to Hairstyling
Hello there, my name is Michael Gallagher. You may know me as best as president of the Entertainment Software Association - an organization that the defends the fast-growing gaming industry and its works from governmental intrusion. But I also am an extraordinary expert at hairstyling, as you can see from this portrayal. My primary follicle inspiration is Princess Leia from the Star Wars films, and I take at least ninety minutes a day preparing my head for perfection. Do these things and you will have great hair like myself, and you will be irresistible to the opposite sex or whoever you are desiring.

What lies beyond good and evil
Unlike Michael Abbott, I am not confined by timetables and do not hesitate to delve into profundity wherever it may lay.