Shawn Kemp's Guide to Video Game Writing

Yo, my name is NBA All-Star Shawn Kemp, and I have been legally forced to be here today to tell you about “sussing out an angle in video game journalism and writing.” Whatever that means, I just told the judge some random words that sound college-y, and to my disappointment, such a thing exists.

So, yeah, gaming-focused commentariat has established itself as a legitimate, respectable ground. Speaking of legitimate, I shouldn’t have to pay for those who are illegitimate, because they are, like, nonexistent due to the word part of “ill,” meaning that I don’t bear any responsibility.

“Shawn, if you are gonna argue semantics, you could do that in prison. Also, you need an article.”

I didn’t sleep with no Samanthas, and I certainly didn’t father any children from any Samanthas. Why are you trying to throw me off with journalism words like “article”?

“Shawn, get back on point. And article is a grammatical term, um, just say ‘the’ before ‘gaming-focused’.”

Okay, the gaming-focused commentariat—wait, wait, is that, like, a type of jewelry? I like jewelry, but this abstract metaphor stuff has never been my forte. Speaking of forty, I am almost at that age, and I am a man of maturity who has done nothing wrong.

“Shawn—”

The gaming-focused commentariat has established itself has a respectable, legitimate ground with unique voices who have funny names I cannot pronounce.

“Shawn, please stick to what the cue cards say.”

What? I’m just riffin’ on this like any good old comedian, and I am just a funny, charming guy who likes life. I do not use my humor skill and wit to charm ladies because I am a homosexual, and homosexuals don’t wanna have babies or make them.

“Shawn, this is your last warning.”

The gaming-focused commentariat has established itself has a respectable, legitimate ground with unique voices like N-G-A-I Coal (N'Gai Croal), Carry On Gillman (Kieron Gillen), and Leigh Alexander. Finally, a good old dude with an American name.

“Leigh Alexander is a woman.”

What were her parents on? Crack? And I never took crack—especially not before games—and I am no improper parental figure, and I respect women one-hundred-fifty-thousand percent.

“Shawn, think of doing this film as being like playing basketball, because you gotta be completely focused on the game to succeed.”

When I played basketball, I thought about the Laffer curve—and how a minimal tax rate would amplify tax revenue.

“Oh, dear.”

This post is dedicated to New Yorkers pretending to be a Bostoner.

Where can I get a banana frappuccino around here?

Satire? Art? Curt? Serious? Written in less than an hour and conceived yesterday?

Yeah, edition nine of stupendous column is all that.

If there is no response by Friday, offer goes back to fair market value. And the cookie offer will be a Mrs. Field's gift certificate at best.